


nobody knows i'm this cold

by nervousn8



Series: Found Family Amongst Gods [3]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Big Brother Techno, Depressed TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Found Family Dynamics, Healing takes time, Heavy Angst, Platonic Relationships, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Unreliable Narrator, eventually, he needs big therapy but all he gets is a big hug, like if he were a real person he would have so many issues, that boy is so traumatized
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-17 23:34:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28608357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nervousn8/pseuds/nervousn8
Summary: Tommy just wants the story to be over.Why won't Techno end it?basically what would happen if the block men treated mental illness and the aftermath of abuse and such at least semi-realistically. being suicidal doesn't just go away. title from salvia palth's post traumatic all-night-long
Relationships: Technoblade & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF)
Series: Found Family Amongst Gods [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2094159
Comments: 25
Kudos: 1025





	nobody knows i'm this cold

**Author's Note:**

> my Gods AU doesn't follow a strict canon, it's mostly just what i want to write about. in this case it's ANOTHER fix-it of sorts bc we can't trust these guys with anything smh. following the aftermath of the january 6th streams

Tommy sits on one of the pieces of rubble that hangs over the crater that used to be L’Manberg. His legs dangle, scuffed sneakers swinging. It’s raining, and it’s dark, and it’s cold. Tommy is so,  _ so _ cold.

His shoelaces are untied.

He wiggles his foot, the one that he nearly lost to frostbite, and the shoe slips slowly off his foot. He flexes his toes to keep it there and watches it swing for a moment, and then he lets his leg drop. The shoe slips off his foot entirely.

There aren’t that many floating lanterns left. Some of them still hover languidly in the air, resisting the pitter-patter of rain through enchantment alone. Others, damaged by the chaos that befell them, float lower than they’re supposed to. They bounce off the rubble, off each other, a few have even floated close enough to bounce off his fingertips. Quite a few sink low into the crater, drifting down the branching pathways carved out by the demons they’d slain. 

The shoe, so dirty it’s barely even red anymore, bounces off of a lantern. Tommy doesn’t hear it hit the ground. He sees it disappear out of the radius of light illuminated by the crumpling blue lantern, but he doesn’t hear it hit the ground. It’s a long way down there, so it makes sense that he can’t hear it.

No one would hear him hit the ground, either.

Tommy’s so cold.

He’s made so many mistakes, recently. Caused so many problems, broken so many promises. A whole nation went up in flames because of him. It’s a miracle no one died, honestly. It’s a miracle he didn’t get anyone killed. Everything is all his fault. 

He’s  _ sorry. _

There are footsteps coming up behind him, boots squelching in the torn-up, muddy ground. The gait is one he recognizes, one he spent months memorizing out of fear and later out of anticipation. Those footsteps meant safety. Home. Tommy messed that up, too. 

“Little close to the edge there, aren’t you?” Techno asks. The Blood God’s voice has always been monotone, but Tommy has gotten so used to the underlying warmth that used to be there. Hearing him speak now forces Tommy to face the absence of that warmth. It’s not there anymore.

Tommy’s so,  _ so _ cold.

“Hello, Technoblade.”

It’s quiet for a while, save for the barking of Techno’s dogs. It’s been a few days since- well. It’s been a few days. Tommy’d been feeding the dogs while he waited. He knew Techno, knew the man wouldn’t let the animals stay there forever. He’d come back for them. When Techno steps onto the plank of wood Tommy’s sitting on, his boots make it shudder under their combined weight. 

Tommy could fall, just like his shoe. He could.

“What’re you doin, Tommy?”

He’s missed Technoblade’s voice. Tommy’s throat works, and he grinds his teeth, but warm tears still mix with cold rain on his bruised cheeks. He’s messed everything up. He grips the handle of the axe in his lap, the Axe of Peace, and he twists around to stare up at Techno. He’s so tall, and even more rain gets into Tommy’s eyes as he cranes his neck in an effort to see Techno’s face. He hopes The Blood God can’t tell the difference between tears and rain.

The boar skull mask is in the way of Techno’s eyes, but Tommy’s gotten good at reading body language. Sometimes his brain tries to trick him, tries to make him think that they’re going to hurt him even though they probably won’t, but he’d been getting better with Techno. He hates the boar skull.

“You know, Techno? You were right.” There’s rain in his mouth, in his nose, dripping from his hair into his ears. It’s like he’s drowning in the ocean by Logstedshire all over again. “You- you’ve always been right.”

Techno scoffs a laugh, tilting his head to the side. Tommy can see the curve of his mouth as he smirks down at him. “I know I’m right. The government has never done any good-”

“I’m not talking about the government!” Tommy exclaims, and he’s ashamed of the way his throat closes on his tears and cracks his words. Techno’s shoulders tense.

“Of course you’re not- I don’t know why I thought you’d change. You mortals are all so stuck on the idea that you have to be right-”

Tommy grabs the shoulder of the axe in one hand and extends the knob toward Techno, keeping the sharpened head facing downward. “You were right about  _ me, _ Techno.”

Somewhere behind them, over the hills, thunder rumbles in the distance. Lightning dances across the sky mere moments later. 

“Tommy,” Technoblade hesitates, dominant hand fiddling with the empty loop on his belt where the axe is supposed to hang. “I’ve said a lot of things about you, Tommy, you’re gonna have to be a little more specific.”

Ranboo disappeared a few days ago. Not long after the fighting had ended, actually. His pets had gone with him, and there’d been nothing for Tommy to find in his wake except thick gray feathers. Phil had been there, and he’d taken Ranboo with him, and Tommy couldn’t even be mad. Phil claimed him before he messed everything up. Phil called him son before he turned into a monster. Phil and Techno blew up L’Manberg and Tommy  _ deserved that, _ and if Ranboo gets to be with people Tommy knows for a fact will keep him safe, that’s okay.

It’s better for Ranboo that way. Dream can’t get him with Techno and Phil there. 

He can take Tommy’s place. Tommy wants him to.

He does.

It’s so cold.

“When I-” Tommy has to stop in order to swallow, and even though he blinks the water in his eyes away, more replaces it. “When I betrayed you. When I messed everything up. You said that I wasn’t worthy of the axe, and you were right. I’m not. I want you to have it back.”

Techno just stands there, staring down at him from behind his skull mask. 

“Take it,” Tommy hisses. He hiccups, and if his cheeks weren’t already bruise purple, they’d be red with embarrassment and cold. “Take it back, Techno. Take your stupid fucking axe and  _ go home.” _

The thunder is closer this time. A shiver rolls down Tommy’s spine at the same time, and he jumps when lightning flashes in the sky. It illuminates them both better than the decaying floating lanterns ever could.

Technoblade takes the handle of the axe, and Tommy drops his end. For just a moment, from afar, it probably looks like Techno is going to kill him. But then Techno slips the handle into the loop on his belt, and he takes a step back. He lifts his other foot, and the board trembles dangerously before he puts his foot back down. 

Tommy turns away.

He looks down, stares at the lanterns that bob lazily around the deeper parts of the crater, intermingling with the darkness. His head feels so empty yet so full, almost as if there’s thick, water-heavy fabric bunched up and left where his brain is supposed to be. It weighs his head down, tilting him just slightly forward, and Tommy lets himself lean into it. Not far, not yet. 

When he was young, full of childish wonder and constantly sporting scraped knees, Techno had told him the story of Theseus. It’d been his favorite when he was little. Techno told the story like he’d been there, voice full of fire where it was usually so bland. Those were the moments that made Tommy think, foolishly, that Techno didn’t hate him. 

He’s cold up here, sitting on this ledge. It's like a cliff, almost. His sock is all wet.

“Technoblade?”

It’s quiet, but Tommy knows Techno hasn’t left yet. The dogs still bark intermittently. 

“Yeah, Tommy?”

Dream had said that he’d be back. He’d said that he had fun playing with Tommy, like Tommy was some kind of toy. He supposes he kind of is. This is Dream’s world, after all. Tommy might not be able to physically see the strings Dream has everyone wrapped in, but he knows enough about Gods and their magic to know that they’re there. 

“Tell me how the story of Theseus ended.”

The board shakes as Techno shifts his footings. “He was exiled by the very people he fought for, and he died in disgrace.”

“How did he die?”

Tommy feels like his insides are slowly rotting, bunching up in the cavity of his chest and strangling him. His blood is solidifying in his veins, weighing his limbs down, making him tired. He’s all wet.

He’s so cold.

Techno’s voice is small, something so incredibly unusual, when he answers, “You know how he died, Tommy.”

“Will you tell me again?” Tommy asks. The words taste like ash on his tongue, but Tommy can’t tell. All he’s known is ash on his tongue, flavoring his mistakes a bitter gray.

“He…” There’s a pause, almost like Techno is hesitating. But The Blood God doesn’t hesitate. Tommy knows that. “He was cast off a cliff into the sea by the king who sheltered him in his exile. Lycomedes.”

There’s water at the bottom of the crater. It’s all that remains of the lake that had filled in the crater Wilbur left, and now it remains at the bottom of this crater, too. Tommy wonders, just for a moment, if he’d be the next one to place a crater in L’Manberg. If he were allowed to live, would he be just like the rest of his family?

“You could almost say this was a cliff, couldn’t you, Technoblade?”

The Blood God doesn’t answer.

“And- and there’s water at the bottom. Like an ocean. That’s fitting, right?” Tommy laughs, but it’s broken, splintering off from his chest and careening into the darkness. Tommy wants to follow it, wants to take it in his hands and crush it as he falls. “If- if I’m Theseus, and you- this would be- it fits, doesn’t it? You wear a crown, Techno. You’re the king.”

“Tommy-”

He laughs again, crunching up into a ball because it  _ burns him, _ scalding his lungs and sending him coughing. He’s been in the rain for so long, he’s probably getting sick. 

He’s so cold.

Tommy stands, shaky and barely put together, and the board wobbles as he turns to face Techno. The Blood God is just as soaked as he is, cape plastered to his armor. Even in the dark, in the rain, he visibly gleams with enchantment.

“Finish the story, Techno. Please. I don’t- it’s a lesson, right? You and Phil did this to teach me a lesson? I need to be punished- Dream isn’t here to punish me anymore, and you need to finish the story. You have to. The story has to end, Techno, it has to.” 

But Techno doesn’t answer, just stands and watches, face hidden behind his stupid mask. Tommy hates that mask, hates that the lack of reaction is making him cry more. His chest burns as he heaves.

“Kill me, Tech- Techno, kill me! Techno,  _ kill me! _ Techno, push me off the cliff, murder me now. Kill me. The Blade. The Blood God, do it, Techno, murder me! Look, it’s- I want you to, please. Finish the story, Techno, kill me,  _ please-” _

Tommy’s frantic, shoulders shaking, words garbled and lost to the onslaught of tears. He could choke on them, even as his body protests, even as it tries to make him throw up because it thinks there’s something lodged inside of him that keeps him from breathing. He wants the story to be  _ over. _ He just wants it to end.

“Please, Techno,  _ please. _ I’m so tired, and I’m- I’m  _ cold, _ and I just want the story to  _ end.” _

They’re at a standstill, now, Tommy bunched up and sobbing into his fists, Techno rigid and silent. Opposite ends of the narrow wooden board feel like opposite ends of the world. 

“I knew there was something off about you,” Technoblade grumbles, mostly to himself. Tommy looks up in enough time to see Techno reach for him, and he clenches his eyes shut in anticipation of being pushed off the edge. It’s what he wants, but that doesn’t mean he wants to see it happen. 

Then he’s being picked up from under his armpits like he’s a small child all over again -not that he ever really stopped  _ being _ small compared to Techno- and then The Blood God is carrying him away from the crater. Tommy’s head spins, the wet cloth in place of his brain making him sluggish in his perception. Techno doesn’t even glance at him, just adjusts the arm that’s under his knees and keeps walking.

“What- what are you doing?” Tommy asks, voice hoarse. “Why didn’t you push me in?”

But Techno doesn’t answer him, instead adjusting his hands once more to reach his communicator. A minute later, Phil’s voice comes through.

_ “You ready for me to bring you back?” _ Phil asks.

“Not yet,” Techno answers, sounding almost exasperated. “I’ve got Tommy with me, so I’ll be walking back.”

There’s a pause before Phil speaks again, filled only by the sound of a mug thunking heavily onto a counter.  _ “Why’s Tommy with you?” _

“I’ll explain later, don’t worry. See you in a bit.”

The walk through L’Manberg is quiet and uninterrupted, the few citizens who remain having by now learned not to interfere with Technoblade and his business. Even if they felt the need to, they don’t care for Tommy. There’s no reason to fight The Blood God for him. 

The Nether, when they get there, evaporates the water on their skin and in their clothes within minutes. It’s been too long since Tommy has been here. He and Techno had taken the long way to L’Manberg when they’d come a week or so before, and Tommy hadn’t left. He hates himself for not going back.

The lava bubbles audibly, a siren song to Tommy’s ringing ears. He leans his head back and away from Techno’s shoulder in order to see it, and even upside down, it calls to him. He’d be so warm in there. It’d melt his skin off his bones, mix in with his blood, and he’d never be cold again. Maybe Techno will throw him in.

“Will you end the story here?” He asks softly, leaning his head back up and resting it against Techno’s armored shoulder once more. He can see Techno’s eyes from this angle, the same shade they’ve been since he was a little boy. Techno glances down at him, a frown still on his face. 

“No,” and then, after a moment, “go to sleep, Tommy. You said you were tired.”

The next portal they pass through deposits them in the snow. Tommy remembers this place, remembers the chill. One of Techno’s dogs jumps up to lick his exposed ankle, and he squeezes his eyes shut.

He’s asleep before the cottage even comes into view.

* * *

“He wanted me to kill him, Phil.” The Blood God says quietly, swirling the tea in his cup as he sits across from his friend at the fire. “He begged me to. Said he just wanted the story to end.”

Phil sips his own tea, eyes trained on the dancing flames. “Mortals don’t handle things the way we do, Techno. They- seek out things they know will hurt them, in a sense. I knew something was wrong when Tommy didn’t come back with you, but I didn’t want to say anything.”

Technoblade hates mortals, Phil’s mortals specifically. Especially since he’s acquired a new one, now, the enderman-hybrid. The thought of having to care for Tommy again makes him burn hot with hate. He doesn’t want to do this again, not after Tommy betrayed him.

_ (This is a lie.) _

“It’s-” Phil stops, putting his cup down and turning to look at Techno. Or, more specifically, the blond teen bundled in one of Techno’s old capes, squished into the chair with him like he’s still five years old. Tommy clings to Techno’s arm in his sleep like it's a lifeline. “Sometimes, they ruin the good things they have before the good things can ruin them. After everything that Dream did to him, breaking off from you didn’t really surprise me.”

“That still doesn’t make any sense,” Techno huffs. He would never do that- he would never  _ ruin _ Tommy. He’s Phil’s mortal, and the voices like him far too much. 

Phil shrugs, leaning back in his chair and studying Tommy from afar. “You know, you’ve always been his favorite.”

The statement is as surprising as it isn’t. The prideful part of him rears its head at the acknowledgment, but the smaller part of him, the one still stinging with betrayal, doesn’t believe him.

“He used to look at you like you hung the stars, Tech. Clara was so mad. It makes sense that Tommy would get rid of you before you could get rid of him.” Phil finishes. His eyes are sad, wings drooping. “It wouldn’t hurt as bad if he got rid of you first. He tried to save himself from hurting more than he already was.”

Techno scoffs a laugh, cringing when Tommy whimpers. He waits a few moments before he responds. “He did a pretty bad job of that, huh? He probably would have-”

But he can’t say it. He’d known what Tommy was doing at the edge of that board. That’d been the only reason The Blood God had approached him, because even if he was still mad, the voices hadn’t gotten the memo. 

_ No, _ they’d cried, and he’d felt physically ill at the sight of Tommy so close to the edge.  _ Our mortal, save him, save him n̶͉͜ǫ̷̘̅ẇ̷̡̖̃!̷̡̯͗ _

Technoblade doesn’t care for Tommy. He  _ doesn’t. _ He just can’t say what Tommy had been doing on that ledge because he doesn’t want to. He’s not still afraid. The Blood God is never afraid, especially not for a mortal.

_ (This is a lie.) _

“Dream messed him up,” Techno says instead. He counts the fast pace of Tommy’s heartbeat where his chest is pressed into his upper arm, taking a second to watch the boy dream. His eyelids flutter and he mumbles something, but he doesn’t wake. “Messed Ranboo up, too.”

“I know,” Phil answers softly. “This is the safest place for them right now. While they heal.”

Techno snorts a small laugh, leaning back against his chair. “You’re so fond of mortals, Phil. People are going to think you’ve gone soft.”

Phil eyes him for just a moment, mischief in his eyes before he turns back to his tea. “I’m not the only one,” he says after a beat. 

“No, yeah,” The Blood God retorts, “you definitely are.”

_ (This is a lie.) _

**Author's Note:**

> yes, that was a lot of angst, but i cant NOT continue the found family trope. dsmp really said fuck you sleepytwt, sucks to suck, look for your comfort trope elsewhere. i cant decide if i like pig beast techno or hot anime protagonist techno more, so i am probably gonna flip flop between the two of them a lot. who knows, maybe he's a werewolf. werepig.   
> i don't know if anyone noticed, but tommy begging techno to kill him was almost an exact recreation of wilbur begging phil to kill him. i had to change some of the words, obviously, but i felt like it fit.
> 
> i really want to see the writers take the big topics they play with a little more seriously, but i'm also aware that they're a bunch of block men who have other things to do, so i'm not expecting much. that's what fanfic is for, baybee. not sure if the ending was super satisfying, but i also like it better than the ending we got, so.
> 
> yes it is 3:30am, no i am not okay

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [It gets cold at night](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29471643) by [Oblio](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oblio/pseuds/Oblio)




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